Tony had spent weeks working on this suit, it was specifically
for conventions, and relatively low on weapons, not to mention light weight and
dazzling. It’s the only armor in his arsenal not meant for battles, and
therefore the only one that has both snack compartments, and a laser light
show. He’s absolutely pumped to show it off at comic con San Diego, when a dude
bro in a cheap Captain America cosplay starts talking to him.
“Why on earth would you paint the armor black and yellow? Are
you color blind or just stupid?” The dude bro asks, giving Tony an assessing
look. Tony glances at him before looking around. Clint’s supposed to be meeting
up with him soon. “Not to mention, the proportions are all wrong. Did you
even use a template? What kind of fan are you?”
“Tell him to go away.” Tony asks, hoping Friday can get rid of
the asshole before Clint shows up.
“It’s called creativity, you should try it some time.” Friday
snarks, and Tony notices a creepy glint in the guys eyes, as he steps closer.
“Nice voice.” He says. “I don’t know a lot of girls who cosplay
as Iron Man.” Tony rolls his eyes. “I can help you figure out the suit
proportions, if you’d like.” He offers, and Tony is honestly wondering if this
asshole thinks he’s attractive.
“No, sorry. I like my suit as it is.” Friday retorts. Tony
wishes he had a weapon when the guy leers at him, leaning forward. Tony catches
sight of Clint over the guys shoulder.
“C’mon honey. It needs some serious improvement.” He says
seriously, and Tony is fuming.
“I can’t believe you would talk to someone like that.” He snaps,
the faceplate nearly hitting the asshole when it opens. “You didn’t even
introduce yourself before being a judgmental asshole.” Tony waves his arm
towards him, forcing asshole to jump back or get a metal hand to the gut.
“Mr. Stark?” He asks, shocked. Tony raises an eyebrow at him,
then glances down at himself.
“Appears so. What should I call you? Asshole?” He asks, and the
guy looks affronted. “Oh, don’t pull that shit. You’re an asshole, who was
bullying someone based on an outfit, and then being a creepy ass just because
you thought it was a woman.”
“I’m not creepy!” The guy screeches. Clint stops right behind
him, waiting to see what’s going on.
“Friday, do you think he was
creepy?” Tony asks, the guy crosses his arms.
“Undoubtedly Boss. Not to
mention condescending, and irritating.” She offers, and Tony raises an eyebrow
at him.
“Fucking slayed.” Clint
mutters, the asshole nearly jumps out of his skin. “Piece of advice, if you
wouldn’t say it to Black Widow, don’t say it to a girl.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong!”
The guy protests, throwing his arms up in the air. Tony snorts a laugh, and
points to Natasha.
“If you didn’t do anything
wrong, go up to her. That’s Black Widow by the way. Go tell her that her
costume isn’t that good, but you can help her make it better. Make sure you get
really close, and her back is to a wall.” Tony challenges, and the guy’s eyes
go wide. “Now if you honestly believe you could do that without being killed,
then I’ll believe you think what you did was okay, but I don’t think you
believe it.”
“Look, I don’t want any
trouble.” The guy says, and there’s a small crowd gathered around now. Tony
shrugs.
“If you don’t want any
trouble, don’t walk up to people insult them, and then creep on them.” Tony
offers. “It’s really not that difficult to avoid being a massive creep.”
“Roasted.” Clint says, the
asshole storms off muttering about Ironman being an asshole. Tony isn’t
worried, the girl in the Deadpool costume was filming the whole exchange so it
shouldn’t negatively affect his reputation. “Bye assclown!” Clint calls,
turning to Tony. “Natasha is going to kill you when she finds out you told a
guy to go creep on her.” Clint informs him, the blood drains out of Tony’s
face. “C’mon the panel starts in a couple minutes.”
“I’m so dead.” Tony mumbles as Clint drags him towards the conference room.
Avengers AU – If Tony was Peter’s biological father
Tony is super protective of his son. And Peter, inspired by his dad, becomes Spiderman anyway (his dad and his Uncle Rhodey figure him out in a second though).
Thanos: So this is how I brought balance to the world. Of course I didn’t kill everybody!
For example, I didn’t kill this technology-genius who almost defeated me. I mean he would have, if this other guy hadn’t fucked up.
So yeah, I left him alone. With my daughter. The batshit crazy one who is consistently trying to kill me and is made out of killer-robot parts. Of whom I just killed the only person she ever cared about.
Yeah. He seems like a good choice to keep alive. I mean, I promised, anyway. To the wizard who could see the future. And said there is only one scenario in which I can be stopped. And became strangely attached to this man after that.
But I mean, what could she and that techie do? I left them on a godforsaken planet with nothing on it. Well, except the ruins of this super technologically advanced civilization.
Reporter in the Marvel unviverse: Anthony Stark, well-known as a generous philanthropist, the CEO of Stark Industries, and his alter-ego “Iron Man,” under fire today after a controversial video he posted to his personal Vine account went viral. The short footage showed Stark in the passenger seat of a car, driving by an anti-homosexual rally, repeatedly shouting “I love sucking [expletive for male genitalia]” out of the open window.
A+ Concept, I love it, I’m dying, it’s too good.
It becomes the hottest new meme throughout the US. Every single time there’s some homophobic rally, Hell, every time there’s a rally held by homophobes whether or not the rally was ABOUT homophobia there’s now teens doing drive-by’s being like “Ahem, this one is for Tony Stark – I LOVE SUCKING [expletive for male genitalia]”. The meme keeps escalating as people find newer and funnier ways to bleep out what they are saying in real time and on Vine. The most popular way? The sound of a repulser charging up.
The whole thing drives homophobes crazy. They hate it so much, it literally has some people trying to create their own counter meme (”I love sucking UP TO JESUS”) that goes very very badly (exactly how you’d expect). So, out of options, they try to sue Tony.
Everybody should know better than to sue Tony.
His lawyers tear them apart. There’s an unholy grin on Tony’s face during the entire publicized case – he’s in a rainbow suit. He’s in rainbow shades. He’s wearing a harness over his suit and his shoes literally leave glitter footprints everywhere he goes. His tie says “I love sucking [REPULSER NOISE]”. Twitter goes nuts. A still of Tony from the trial, one where he is sarcastically blowing pink glitter into the face of a woman trying to hit him with a picket sign, becomes a reaction image nobody can resist. You wanna represent how tired you are of homophobic comments? That’s your image. It’s usually coupled by one of Rhodey in the background, military dress uniform smeared in glitter and a blatant glittery kiss mark pressed to his cheek, staring at the ceiling and praying for death.
Listen this is the best addition to my post and im both writing this into a fic and drawing fan art for it @purgatoryandme
I’m pretty sure that if you put this in front of RDJ he would provide us with actual footage of these things.
#the other half of his superpower is the ability to locate coffee anywhere #which is how he knew what direction to start walking when he was in afghanistan #‘the nearest pot of coffee is 23 miles east’ #and then he started walking through the desert #honestly that’d be kind of a fun plot device #somebody write it I’m too lazy (via @buckykingofmemes)
There is a reason Tony never mentions that he’s a mutant. It’s not that he’s ashamed, or even that he’s afraid of the negative impact the news would have on the Stark name and his business.
It’s that he got such a fucking lame power.
The X-men can fly, control the weather, shoot lasers from their eyes, and make things go boom. Tony? Tony get’s the amazing ability to metabolize caffeine extra well (okay, on a level that would kill ten average people) and sense it for miles.
He’s one of those mutants whose powers fall into a category all their own. teeeechnically, he’s actually an alpha level mutant, given the complex way his body processes caffeine and the nearly fifty mile range on the sensor aspect of his talent, plus the degree of sensitivity. But in practice? The few people in the know mostly consider him to be a beta mutant, since his power isn’t really applicable as a defence or offense.
At any given moment he can tell you with pinpoint accuracy what things within a block of him have caffeine and what they are, even managing to differentiate between different kinds of coffee. He can even tell you who made it, if he’s met the person.
(He tries to explain it to Pepper and Rhodey, once. Tries to explain that it’s not that he’s measuring the level of caffeine in a pot of coffee really, it’s that everyone makes coffee differently. If he focuses, he can tell that the pot of coffee down in the accounting break room was made by Margery, not Cole, or Clarke, or Franchesca, because it feels like her. Numbers and irritation and impatience coupled with the peppermint sticks she likes to swirl in a cup of black. He knows he doesn’t manage it well when all he gets are indulgently confused smiles from his two friends.
Charles Xavier prattled a bit about possible subconscious empathic or telepathic impressions, but honestly Tony doesn’t really care. He just does what he does. It’s not like the mechanics really matter with a useless power like his. He doesn’t stay at Xavier’s long. Hanging with the X-men makes him feel like a toaster hanging out with sports cars.)
It’s not until he’s kneeling in scorchingly hot sand, an unforgivingly bright sun high in the sky above him and bits of scattered metal around him, that he’s thankful for the power evolution gave him. Because when he reaches out with that strange other sense of his, he can feel all the distant pinpricks of sensation that mean, ‘Here! There be coffee here!’. Most carry the notes of people who feel like the land around him, but one….. Smiling grimly, he heaves himself to his feet and looks east, towards the distant call that carries with it a taste of foreigntiredordersyessirdutythiscoffeeSUCKSman that tells him there are american soldiers that-a-way.
Tony flew through the portal with a warhead in his hands.
He let go, and he wasn’t scared.
Hello, something whispered, thousands, millions, infinite voices speaking as one, around him and inside him and part of him. Hello.
Tony thought that he probably should be scared, considering the circumstances. The portal was closing behind him, he could see the lack of light, the ring of fire from the nuke was roaring towards him, and there was a voice speaking to him.
He wasn’t, though. The voice felt familiar, comforting, even. Hi? He thought back, and felt a rush of delight, as bright and warm as a star.
Because it was a star, he realised. He was speaking to the stars.
Welcome home. They said, their happiness and love as big as them, bigger, stretching across the universe.
And Tony wanted. He wanted to stay here, in the stars, where he belonged. I can’t stay. He whispered, and it was sorrowful, an apology, because they needed him down there, Pepper and Rhodey and JARVIS and his bots, they needed him and he needed them and he couldn’t leave them, not even for the stars. I have to go back.
The stars understood. We will see you. They said, as they nudged him, wrapped him in starlight and carried him back towards the portal. We will miss you, Ours. They whispered back, and the title, theirs, was more than a title, it was his name, his history, his elemental makeup, all contained in a single word, a word that meant everything, meant brother and father and child and creator and family.
The sheer force, the sheer scope and immensity of that single word was enough to knock him out, and Tony fell.
thew1ghtknight 